The Ludicrous Adventures of Ludwig Shcroeder
by Kikatzu
Summary: Ludwig is usually always accompanied by someone, so what's he to do when everyone's gone? A small one-shot for Hemoptysis. Also, rated T 'cause Ludwig's got a big potty mouth for a Leaper.


All righty, this one-shot is a (really late) birthday present for Hemoptysis based on her OC Ludwig. I greatly apologize for its lateness and shortness, but I still hope it at least puts a smile on your face, twin.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Dead Space, Isaac, Ellie, Kendra, Ludwig, Vlach, Benjy, Marky, Shades, or Brant. I only own Vi and Aiden.

_Italics: _Ludwig's thoughts

* * *

><p><em>Ohohoho~ Lookie here, no one's home. Lucky. Fo'. Me. <em>

Apartment's deserted, everyone's out of da house. _Good, means Uncle Luddy gets the place to himself._ It's always been outright hard getting some time to myself 'round here, ever since the Ishimura incident I've always been babysat by someone. 'Though, it was _easier_ then with just Vlach around. (One of my good ol' buddies, a sentient Necromorph, like m'self. Not as badass, but... he has his moments.) Now that I live with all these survivors from the Ishimura _an' _Sprawl incidents... (an' dese two random girls... I 'av no clue what their deal is...) well, there goes my alone time out da window. ('Specially wit da little tikes running around, wantin' me to play wit them or Vi bitchin' 'bout my habits. Ooooh. Well, pardon me, fucking just so happens to be what I do best. She's just jealous she can' have any of this. Naw, I jus' like pullin' pranks on her, she jus' can't stand me winnin'.)

So, what _would_ ol' Lud wanna do without anyone home?

"Really, it hasn't happened often... So no clue, ain't that right, sexy?" I ask, showin' off my two prized possessions in front of the mirror. Well, second to my _old_ prized possession... but, y'know... life is fucking cruel and neutered me with a goddamn tail. Now all the ladies want is for me to wag that instead. "Sorry ladies, I don't roll that way." I scoff, flexing my guns again. " 'Sides, that Kendra chick knew _'xactly _what to go after; none of that cute, tail-wagging shit, just some good sexy time with Lud."

"But, really now, Lud, what'cha gonna do with all this free time?" After giving it one hard, serious thought, I slither off to Vi's room. Never before have I been happier for a door to be unlocked, to say the least.

Of course, her room was spotless. Everything was in it's neat damn place- hell, her bed sheets didn't even have wrinkles. Shoulda seen that comin', she's always bitchin' 'bout the other rooms to get cleaned. "Ah, well, lesse... where would she put dem beautiful mags?"

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><p>It must've been... just barely twenty minutes later, just lookin' fer those mags. Nothing. Fucking nothing. However, her room's in disarray... some of her furniture's over turned, too. ('Ey, don't judge, thought they woulda been under dere. Or at least de bed...)<p>

"Well, 'least she'll probably gimme another mag to clean this shit up..." I mutter, picking through Vi's belongings. Taking a few logs laying around before sneaking out of the room and hiding them in various places. An', when I mean various places, what I meant to say is that I went outta my way ta hide one and dumped the others in a vent. (Really, ya gotta be shittin' me if ya thought I was gonna hide ev'ry single last one of 'em.)

I chuck de one log in de fridge (Why the fridge? Why the hell not?) before headin' off to the living room, leaping onto one of de couches. Might as well be this one, the other one is absolutely destroyed from a certain Brute.

_Well, maybe I can watch porn before anyone gets back. _After flippin' through a few channels, I manage to get to one of de channels... only to see it fucking censored. "You've got to be fuckin' wit' me... Dat bitch an' her censorship, gonna drive me insane in this damn place..."

I sprawl about on the couch, my tail constantly movin' about in goddamn annoyance. After staring down the censored channel, I pick up de remote and start flippin' through channels again. Stopping at a channel wit' two girls getting into a cat fight. "Well, good enough."

* * *

><p>As it turns out, de channel that I stopped on was holdin' a drama marathon. An' I pretty much spent my whole time watchin' the channel. One of de girls had just broken up with their boyfriend an' was takin' it pretty badly, cryin' and sobbin' all over the damn place. An' I fucking felt bad for her, surprisingly. Tissues scattered all over the floor from wiping at my eyes... and whenever I got drool all over my chest from unfoldin' my fangs.<p>

"Oh, come on, you don' need dat fucking asshole, he never treated ya right. You're a fucking beautiful woman and you know it, now stop wit da waterworks. Bet I'd show you a better time than dat bastard." I shout at the TV, only for her to slowly stop crying. _Dere we go girly, 'sides, who __**doesn't**__ want to get wit dis sexy Leaper anyway? _

Before I could say somethin' else, I hear the gang at the door, punchin' the door's password in. I scramble about for de remote, flipping around for another channel then stopping at a wrestling channel. _Fuck yes. I am good. _

"Come on, lemme jus' bash down da door." One of the voices from outside pleads.

"NO!" A few said in unison.

_Heh, poor Shades got shot down again._

I hear de door open, and turn 'round to watch everyone walk in, my tail sliding off the couch in the process. The first ones to bolt in were two of the kiddies, Benjy an' Marky. A packling and a young Stalker, jus' like his dad, Vlach. The two probably running off to get the art supplies out of their bed room. I notice Benjy waving meekly before disappearing down the hall.

Next was Ellie, pullin' on Vlach's hand. Poor guy was looking about awkwardly, as always, seemed to be his job. "Have a good time at home, Lugwig?" He asked, giving a small wave with his free hand.

I glance between him and the eager Ellie before smiliin'. "Oh yeah, definitely. Didn't need te be babysat for once." I reply, then watching the two disappear from sight. _But, not as good of a time as yer about ta get. Ohohoho~_

Then Shade Train walks in, plopping onto the broken couch. Probably breaking it some more. De big brute (oh, why, hullo thar puns... fuck, those girls are rubbin' off on me) seemed to be hummin' another tune again, probably itchin' to drop a few beats.

Den here comes brosky Isaac, the twins following suit, gigglin' to demselves again. De two scurry off to de kitchen, deciding to watch us from dere dis time. Gotta be honest, why they're even rooming in with us confuses me. More so how as to how they even got _in. _

As fer Isaac, he takes the place next to me on the couch, watchin' Vi and Hunter- er, Brant, walk in. Vi holding onto Aiden in one of her arms, closing the door behind Brant. Isaac keeps his eyes on Brant, can't say I blame him, 'specially after the events of the Ishimura.

Vi scans the room, rolling her eyes at the scattered tissues all over the floor. "So, Ludwig, you gonna clean that up later?"

"Perhaps... Y'know, I did get bored not havin' a particular mag to read." I reply, smirkin' a bit.

She sighs, shifting Aiden a little in her arms- who keeps snugglin' up to her. "I'll grab one, then. Probably should've left you with one in the first place." Vi and Brant leave the room, with that, me an' Isaac turn back to watch match on TV.

After a moment, Isaac budges my arm with his elbow. "Say, Ludwig, up for another friendly competition? Wrestling. Wrestling's our next contest, bet I'll give you a run for your money." He says with a confident smirk.

_Well, that's better than that Monopoly match we had last time... _"Bring it on old man. You don't stand a chance. When do we start?"

"Right after this match is done, kinda want to see how it turns out." He replies, still showin' confidence that he could win. The twins burst into giggle fits in the other room, seeming a bit excited for this round.

Hm, guess you could say that I was wrong before. I like bein' alone, but... Never a dull moment wit ev'ryone, y'know? 'Sides, they need lovable ol' Luddy 'round to balance things out. An', who could resist-

"Ludwig!" Vi shouts.

_Oh, right... her room._


End file.
